rpd's lj!

I don't think it's whatever double standards and shit that have me so testy and upset. I really don't know what does have me so pissed off and angsty. I flipped out and told my mother about my feelings about the "double standards" in the past but, once again, my mother, being who she is, complains how I'm bringing up "middle school stuff" from the past that isn't important anymore.

I can't stop this attitude of mine or how upset I keep getting. My parents are no help. I just want to stop being so emotional. I'm not normally like this and I hate acting like this. I feel like a spoiled, bratty twelve-year-old. I'm not like this. I'm normally more mature, collected, casual. I mean, I used to be like this. But I stopped, and for good reason, because I didn't like the person I was. I don't like the person I am right now. But I don't know how to make it stop. And until then, I feel a horrible mix of guilt for acting this way and misery for acting this way as well as the general overemotional behaviour I am currently exhibiting. It's so painful to just watch myself act so stupidly. But every time I try to explain this, I just feel and act worse.

I don't get this. And the worst part is that now I'm sure I've lost my parents' respect by being this way. Great. It's bad enough that when I'm acting my age my parents still treat me like a child. Now that I'm acting like one, I deserve that. But when I eventually get better and try to forget this, I'm betting they won't. Fucking great.

I thought I was done growing up. Guess I'm having a mental recession. Here's looking at you, John McCain.

At least I can still be a witty miserable teenager?

Nine and a half more months until there's no more teen in my age. Can't come soon enough. Wish that would fix things, but I'm guessing it won't.

Fuck. This. Shit. >.<